The infamous essay by Mandy Len Catron titled “To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This” describes the author’s encounter with a man at a bar.
But what I like about this study is how it assumes that love is an action. It assumes that what matters to my partner matters to me because we have at least three things in common, because we have close relationships with our mothers, and because he let me look at him.
I wondered what would come of our interaction. If nothing else, I thought it would make a good story. But I see now that the story isn’t about us; it’s about what it means to bother to know someone, which is really a story about what it means to be known.
The couple answers 36 questions developed by Arthur Aron designed to cause strangers to fall in love.
In Nathan Hill’s 2023 novel titled Wellness, characters answer a similar series of questions, the first being, “On a scale of 1-10, how much did your parents love you?”
But neither couple becomes particularly intertwined basketball fans. Their shared vulnerability leads to deep intimacy and love, but they don’t exactly talk about how to navigate a small-small pick and roll. Sure, these people share which of their family members’ deaths would impact them most severely, and I see the benefit of having that conversation. Can they name all 30 NBA teams? I’d just like to know.
Rooting for a basketball team that wins a championship is one of life’s great joys. But equally emotional, and much more important, is rooting for a basketball team that loses. Watching your favorite team take a lead and collapse down the stretch is unmatched pain. Formatively so. And sharing that experience with somebody else creates a bond as unchangeable as the final score.
Things fall: your team, the wrong confetti, tears, players to their knees; dreams cascade and shatter, and when you put the pieces back together it doesn’t look quite right. It’s different now. Things have changed with your loss - yes you, who are part of the team. The feelings of fandom are real and true. Sure, the stakes are manufactured, the trophies made up. The grief is anything but.
In Chris Vognar’s OpEd “Baseball Is Designed to Break Your Heart”, he compares sports to a training ground for real-world pain:
I believe it’s because, in a world in which tribalism is pulling us apart, the completely imaginary tribalism of the sports fan is a necessary balm. Not because it allows you to celebrate — though you do occasionally get to do that — but because you get to lose. A lot. Nothing brings us together like communal suffering. And this simulated losing helps prepare us for the worst that life can dish out.
And yet, not one of Aron’s 36 Questions asks about sports? Seems like we’re missing something here, folks. Seems like we could tighten some knots today.
I’ve developed a set of questions designed to bring any two people together through the lens of basketball. Like the original list, these 36 questions are divided into three, increasingly difficult sets. Try this with your partner, your best friend, or someone you just met whose name you already forgot.
Set I
1. When was the last time you played basketball?
2. What makes you a good teammate (on the court or in life)?
3. Is your birthdate closer to Michael Jordan’s draft (1984) or LeBron’s (2003)?
4. Describe your first basketball.
5. Do you root for a favorite team or favorite players?
6. What’s the most memorable basketball court you’ve played on?
7. If you shoot ten free throws, how many will you make?
8. Who was your first favorite player?
9. When you see a game at the stadium, what do you get from the concessions?
10. Are you a better offensive or defensive player? Why?
11. What’s the best thing to chant at a basketball game?
12. Of the 30 NBA teams, how many can you name?
Set II
13. Tell a story of an embarrassing moment in your basketball life.
14. How do you react when you start performing badly (on the court or in life)?
15. What’s your favorite NBA Finals?
16. Name a good player that you just don’t like.
17. What’s the best driveway basketball game?
18. Imagine you’re a coach of a team that’s losing at halftime. What kind of speech do you give?
19. Who is the person in your life that introduced you to basketball?
20. What are your thoughts on instant replay?
21. Would you rather shoot like Steph or dunk like LeBron?
22. Which player from NBA history are you picking to take a last second shot?
23. What rule should basketball get rid of?
24. Who is the GOAT?
Set III
25. What is a basketball moment that is too painful to joke about?
26. What kind of fan are you?
27. What’s your favorite basketball fundamental that doubles as a life lesson?
28. What is something about your partner’s game that you (think you’d) appreciate?
29. In your friend group, are you the star player, the glue guy, the heart-and-soul, the role player, or the heat check?
30. What about your basketball self - player or fan - are you most embarrassed of?
31. Who is a player that’s caused you personal pain? (The “No Not This Guy!” Award)
32. What’s the best basketball movie?
33. What do you love about basketball?
34. Do you consider yourself to be a clutch performer? Are you someone who comes through in life’s big moments?
35. What is your biggest basketball regret?
36. Who is your all-time NBA starting 5?
Final Step
Four uninterrupted minutes of eye-contact just sitting around naming guys
Bonus Set: Sickos Only
Who is your favorite referee?
Is Hoosiers good?
What’s your favorite book by Mike Lupica or Matt Christopher?
Swap Larry Bird and Nikola Jokic. Whose career changes more?
Start, Bench, Cut: Andrei Kirilenko, Shane Batier, Nenê
What are your top three Mike Breen “Bang!” calls?
What was your first basketball video game?
What is your favorite Shaqtin’ moment?
Describe your favorite jersey, or basketball card, or other memorabilia.
Biggie Bagel, Cuppy Coffee, or Dashing Donut?
You could shoot to make two free throws for $10,000, one three pointer for $20,000, or a half-court shot for $50,000. What are you taking?
Make plans to play a game of pickup with the other person.