'Severance' is a Basketball Show *Spoilers*
This post contains spoilers about the 'Severance' Season 2 finale.
To her credit, Kirsten waited all the way until Mark S was at 99% to ask me, “Hey, can you stop with the basketball?”
Mark had clicked on a clump of numbers that aggregated into a blurry blob and filled one of the files below. Cold Harbor: 99%.
In anticipation of the historic moment, I said, “Lumon does have a timeout, decides not to use it! Mark S, way downtown…”
Then she asked me to stop. Fair enough.
Helly told Mark she had been thinking of other locations. The Equator, for example. A building so big it became a continent. She came over to his cubicle to share a last moment of intimacy, privacy intruded on by the statue in the corner. Their faces touched. Mark S closed his eyes, clutching to this moment he may never have back. He scrolled his trackball to a new clump of numbers, hesitated, then clicked.
Cold Harbor: 100%.
I looked over at Kirsten, unable to help myself.
“BANG! BANG! OH, WHAT A CLICK FROM MARK S! With six tenths of the episode remaining!”
It was my third strike.
Strike 1: Mark S Breaks the NBA Scoring Record
When LeBron James was about to break the all-time NBA regular season scoring record, everyone in the basketball world knew he was going to shoot the ball. A sea of camera phones flooded the crowd because the fans knew it. LeBron’s family, his opponents, his coaches, his teammates, and fans across the world: we all knew it.
Except Thomas Bryant, Lakers backup center and career NBA journeyman, did not know it. As LeBron rose over Kenrich Williams for his patented fadeaway jumper, Bryant was calling for the ball.
It’s a truly hilarious moment in NBA history.
In Bryant’s defense, he clearly has his man sealed. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is a mismatch in that position, and Bryant would probably go up for an easy basket were he to get the ball there. He’d at least get fouled.
But there was absolutely no chance that LeBron was passing the ball at that moment.
So we were watching Severance last night and Mark S got off the elevator and made his way to his desk. He racked up several data refinements until he was one click away from finishing the job. I said to Kirsten, “Imagine if Irving showed up right now and asked Mark if he could click the button to finish Cold Harbor. That would be like Thomas Bryant calling for the ball from LeBron.”
Strike 1.
(While researching for this essay, I realized that Los Angeles traded Thomas Bryant before their next game; he was a Laker on February 7th and a Nugget on February 11th. Did they trade him because he ruined this photo?
To that point, if Irving had indeed showed up in the finale, would anyone have been upset if Father Eagan traded him for ruining the moment?)
Strike 2: The Exalted Victory of Cold Harbor
In 1969, the Los Angeles Lakers hosted the Boston Celtics for Game 7 of the NBA Finals. The Lakers owner was loud-mouthed about his plans to revel in the Lakers victory: during the game, an enormous net filled with balloons hung from the rafters above the court. A suspended celebration.
Not only was the gesture – displaying the balloons – preemptive, but it was also unnecessary. Such a terrible, obvious omen.
On the day of Mark S’s expected completion of Cold Harbor, Lumon Industries went all-out. A brand new Renaissance painting (ala White Lotus) greets Mark S when he exits the elevator. But even more egregious than the messianistic depiction, in my opinion, is the plaque on the wall commemorating “The Exalted Victory of Cold Harbor.” Just to say it so explicitly was a bridge too far for my taste.
So naturally, I said to Kirsten, “That plaque is just like when the Lakers owner hung all those balloons back in the 1960’s and Bill Russell said, ‘Those fucking balloons are staying up there.’”
Strike 2.
Strike 3: Curry Flurry & The Man in the Middle
I started writing this essay partly as an exercise in self-reflection. “What a terrible TV-watching partner I am,” was my expected conclusion. Instead, I can’t ignore the connections. It’s clear that the conclusion of this essay can only be:
Severance is a basketball show.
Because after the Thomas Bryant thing – which was, admittedly, dumb – and the balloons thing – which was better, but still, admittedly, annoying – and then the Steph Curry thing – which was, come on, hilarious – Kirsten finally (bless her heart), asks me to stop drawing connections to basketball.
That was Strike 3.
Only, Ben Stiller wasn’t done. He didn’t ring up the strikeout.
Instead, what came next was vindication! Or, unnecessary punishment for Kirsten? Or…I don’t know, a cosmic connection I hadn’t realized was actually true?
Lights dropped down, smoke filled the room. The goddamn Chicago Bulls intro music started playing! The animatronic Eagan congratulated Mark S?! I was ready for him to call Mark S “The Man in the Middle!” The Severed Floor was suddenly the United Center amidst the iconic Bulls dynasty!
Now, do I take issue with the anachronism? The show is ostensibly set in the 1970’s or 1980’s, at which point Chicago had never won an NBA Finals. Mr. Milchick would have, at best, known Michael Jordan as a one-time MVP winner.
But of course, no, I do not take issue with it. Rather, I rewatched the scene again and again today because I couldn’t believe that I was right: Severance is a basketball show.
For the rest of the finale, I was ready for more basketball. Instead, I was treated to one of the best season finales of any television show I’ve ever seen. Having not been online or discussing it with friends, I’m not yet sure what the public opinion about the finale is, but I imagine it’s all rave reviews. I thought it was perfect.
As a side-effect, though, I forgot to make another basketball connection. So, uh, here’s one more.
One More: Gwendoline Christie is Diana Taurasi?
Polite, seems like a good hang, physically imposing but not necessarily intimidating.
But when the game starts, she will break you down and rip your heart out. She lives for the fight, and if she is in your show (on your team) she is absolutely going to mix it up.
Also, you know: the goat.
The brilliant refining of Mark S continues! And he breaks the Lumon record with the 25th file of his career!
Reference to the balloons in the ceiling Lakers/Celtics moment and Bill Russell’s quote made me chuckle. Love the comparison to “The Exalted Victory…”